Sunday, March 20, 2011

New Beginnings

My blogs stay fresh for about a year (or one relationship) before they go bad.

I don't believe in coincidence. Thus far, I've measured out my life in relationships, marking out my personal growth by what I've learned and how I've matured through each. From inception to separation, massive changes occurred and this fills me with satisfaction. It would be an insult to my former partners if our time together produced no change in either of us. I consider myself honored to have met the women I have and shared part of my life with them.

When my previous relationship began, I stood at a crossroads in my faith. I hated where I came from, but I couldn't find the words to tell you why. I wanted to leave everything I knew but I desired to know God more. I was so angry, so embittered at God yet longed for Him. Did I then self-identify as Christian? Yes. But with many qualifications.

I was disgusted by the white Jesus draped in an American flag standing amidst Ground Zero wreckage, red-state Christianity. I couldn't help but be embarrassed by churches as diverse as Hillsongs (though I still quite like their music) or Joel Osteen's or Fred Phelp's (each one for very different reasons of course). I no longer felt the same fervor for Passion ministries that I once had. I was a Christian, but not *that* kind of Christian.

Yet, I wasn't the Sunday only kind of Christian who looked guilty when confessing the fact of his faith. I refused to say "None of us are perfect." with a tired resignation and no conviction to turn. Fascinating, how a confession of guilt has so often left open the door to a repeat  trespass. Neither did I desire to be a morally upright person who just happened to affiliate himself with this tradition or that lineage. Faith is more than preference.

I was a Christian, but I only knew what I was not, and the negative space was still insufficient for showing me who I was. Little by little, I've been learning.

I'm glad the sovereign plan of God subjected me to that period of my life. Though I don't believe that time is over, I have crested that hill and see the lush valley before me. I don't know what I'll find down there, but I'll go there anyways.

I hope that with my last blog, I can, for myself, turn the page on that previous chapter and explore what lies ahead. I hope to work on new ideas and play with new concepts here. Epistemologies, ethics, and a universe of other life facets besides, I hope to investigate them here.

New beginnings for a new day.

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